I bet he comes in French.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
