I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
