I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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