how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
