I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
