Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
