so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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