she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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