quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
