Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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