I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
