This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
