this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There's always time for handjobs
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
