FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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