This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The beer is more important than you right now.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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