Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
