I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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