when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
