I think I am morally bankrupt
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
