when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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