I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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