DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
