listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
