I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
