True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize