dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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