I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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