I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just had sex on a roof
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
