I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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