I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
