I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
