Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
