Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
