she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize