just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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