I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
