My underwear smells like fireworks.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
