mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
