Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
