I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
