god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
