I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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