thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You ruined the universe
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
