birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
