Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
