I'm eating all of the evidence.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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