I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
