first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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