so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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