i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
