First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
