come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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