4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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