I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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