I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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