somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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