the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
