In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
