im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
