Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
