Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize