so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
