I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
