my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
