I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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