I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
